Just narrowing this list to five reasons presented so many difficulties, but I give you my personal top five reasons why I hate Ohio.
5. O-H-I-O: Every time I've had to share oxygen with Buckeye fans I looked down at my shoelaces and asked if I had enough to hang myself. Seriously, they have a cheer that spells out the name of their state. What is infinitely worse is the look of satisfaction after they've completed it. "Hey, lookie, we just spelled a four-letter word!" Congratulations, people, you've managed to spell the name of your state, and you didn't even have to resort what people in Mississippi have to do.
4. "Dotting the I" in O-H-I-O: Ohio fans weep when the portly sousaphone player waddles out and distinguishes a straight line from the letter "i." Congratulations, Buckeye fan, you are able to write a four-letter word in the English language. That ability, along with opposable thumbs, and being able to control when you throw feces, all separate us from the animals. Also, if you don't want us to call you, "Ohio," then why do you spell it for us? One last thing: do you know who originally created the "Script Ohio" that makes you nostalgic for the days when your coach punched opposing players?
3. The "In-State" Winning Streak: Conveniently, when Brian Kelly's Cincinnati was on the rise, we did not see them on the schedule. You remember that year, right? When Tony Pike lit up the Big East and eventually lost to Florida? Way to schedule Youngstown State, Akron, and the Bobcats. Keep that streak close to your hearts, Ohio, it's almost as fraudulent as Jim Tressel's signature on NCAA documents.
2. Your Greatest Coaches: Woody Hayes punched Charlie Bauman in the 1978 Gator Bowl. On national television, the coach who is the face of your hallowed history, punched an opposing player, in the face. He didn't spit at him, nor did he say things about his mother. Woody Hayes physically assaulted an opposing player. Every lead-in about Ohio State's football tradition starts with a shot of Woody Hayes and his famous cap, when it should open with the fact that he assaulted a young man in front of millions of people. The worst thing Jim Tressel ever did was lie, cheat, then lie about the cheating. Oh, and he fixed raffles so recruits could win cars while simultaneously leading Bible studies and writing books about how Jesus changed his life. Assault and Battery, with a smattering of blasphemy, but just as long as your program is winning, right?
1. Buckeye Fan: You know who you are. You're the pathetic loser who attaches your own personal self-worth to a college football team. You're the person who throws batteries at Michigan fans as they run to their car after Drew Henson's naked bootleg in 2000. You're the one who had to be reminded by university officials to respect the United States' Naval Academy, its players, coaching staff, cheerleaders, and fans during a game. You're the person who says, "F$*@ You!" to someone wearing a Michigan tee shirt as he pumps gas so he can get out of your state as quickly as possible. You're the one who agrees that players "ain't come to play school." You're the fan who says, "At least we got to the BCS Championship Game!" after your team gets Shawshanked by the S.E.C. You're everything wrong with college football, but at least you're not a Notre Dame fan.
Beat Ohio.
19 comments:
An instant classic! Great job!!
thanks, Brad. I asked Josh for a Top 100, but being the good editor he is...
Just doing it out of the goodness of my heart. Lol
Awesome... i learned how to spell ohio in 1st grade... glad those college kids are proud to do it..
Love how they brag about the last decade... we'll give that to them.. 2 words.. John Cooper... look overall suckeyes.. u had ONE decade.. WE OWN YOU!!!!
Nothing but sour grapes from your overrated program for the past 10 years. We see Wisconsin as more competition than your sorry team. You couldn't even represent us against Alabama. What an embarrassment to the Big10.
And as far as your so called classy fans. I tailgated at a home of a friend and UM alumnus for several years, right across from Yost Arena. You CLASSLESS UM losers, came by one game when we were tailgating and threw marshmallows with nails in them at us. That's completely ghetto, but should I be shocked coming from an area near Detroit?
So save your elitist attitude pal. Your fans are classless. Your athletic program and teams are second rate. Your coach looks like Fred Flintstone and won't last 3 years.
So you enjoy Saturday while we crush you once again!
Just like you represented us against the SEC twice? I would mention Arkansas, but that didn't count, says tje NCAA. Brush your tooth, buddy.
Elitist attitude? Did you attend Ohio? Or are you one of those pathetic losers who has to attach himself to others' work? We can compare curricula vitae any day. See, that's Latin, a language I learned while ATTENDING THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
So, Coach Hoke won't last after next year? I'll bet you a steak and a beer that he'll be there post-2013. Also, nice circa 1980s joke about Detroit. So fresh. So cutting edge. Got any Ethiopian jokes? I didn't know Ohio was the garden spot of civilization. Thanks for signing your name, just like Jim Tressel did to those compliance forms. I teach in college and know that i have to clear through compliance office before i contact any potential student, and i am not a coach. Also, i haven't assaulted an opponent. Can your school say that? Let's also compare admissions requirements to both universities.... plebeian.
Haha... I am an alumnus and you're a typical Michigan geek. We are talking about football and you nerds always run for your SAT scores.
Bottom line genius, the rivalry between us is what takes place on the field. I don't recall ABC televising our schools' debate teams on Saturday!
Oh and at least we were there twice! HHHHMMM, last National Championship was 1997? You don't even know what it's like to make it to a BCS Championship game!
Looking forward to being 12-0 after Saturday!
Judging by your grammar and punctuation, you "ain't come to play school," either. "At least we were there...." Isn't that from the book, "Things Losers Say?"
Enjoy this: *
That's what your season has next to it.
Also, as long as we're talking about S.A.T. scores and schools, which school has had the most U.S. presidents, Nobel Prize winners, U.S. senators, congressman, federal judges, and most funding for genetic research?
I'll give you a hint: it's not Ohio.
Brush your tooth. Go pound your sister.
Thanks, Go Blue! btw, GO BLUE!
Wow... I mean seriously, we are talking FOOTBALL and of course you run back to your academics. I agree with you, ACADEMICALLY, Michigan is a fine institution!
But we are talking football and of course one can easily conclude you've never played organized sports in your life! (You and your fat friends playing disc golf or paintball doesn't count!) If you knew anything about it, you wouldn't run to your only strength and security blanket with your academics. Because it certainly isn't your athletics! I mean should we even bring up the "Fab Five"? Do you even know who they are? Hurry, run to Wiki and look them up! Here's a history lesson for you... Your beloved Bo is a son of the GREAT STATE OF OHIO! A student of the heroic Woody Hayes. You might want to do your research on that Mr. Cum Laude! I mean we both know you certainly didn't attain a higher honor than that. I bet you didn't even graduate Cum Laude, burns huh?
Let me guess, you're one of those nerds that became a football fan when you were still popping your pimples in your freshman dorm?
Pound my sister? Wow, you represent that long, distinguished list of Michigan alumni so well PETER. What a classy Michigan representative you are!
So PETER, you can put all the asterisks you want anywhere, but bottom line is you losers will have a big ZERO next to your record vs. Urban Meyer and OSU after today.
Oh and do me a BIG FAVOR, while you're watching your Wolverines get pounded today, do think of me... Think of this lovely exchange and remember, what matters here is what happens on the field today, not how many classless nerds like you represent your beloved University.
WAIT PETER, YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! WAYNE STATE???
You did your undergrad degree at UM and the best grad school you could get into was WAYNE STATE??? BAHAHAAHAHAHA
Case closed! This conversation definitely ends here...
Firstly, congratulations on your win. Secondly, any time you wish to compare curricula vitae, let me know. Thirdly, I played sports, and continue to do so, to this day. Fourthly, hide behind your veil of anonymity.
Lastly, if you wish to insult my education, please, do so with correct punctuation and grammar. You see, my friend, when you question someone's credentials (I'm a fully-tenured professor, by the way) while simultaneously using the English language the way Cardale Jones does, you sound, how shall I put this, moronic.
Again, your team, your alma mater, as you say, won today. Congratulations. You can make all the Outback/Capital One Bowl jokes you want.
If your school played by the rules, you would have an excellent chance to play in the BCS Championship game. But your former coach, the one who led Bible studies and wrote books about how Jesus helped him, cheated, lied, then lied about his cheating. Therefore, because of your beloved program's sins, this is your last football game.
Lastly, I love your "ghetto" and "Wayne State University" comments. Nothing like thinly-veiled racism spewing forth from an Ohio "alumnus."
"Wow... I mean seriously, we are talking FOOTBALL and of course you run back to your academics. I agree with you, ACADEMICALLY, Michigan is a fine institution!"
"We ain't come to play school!"
"I bet you didn't even graduate Cum Laude, burns huh?"
Again, your assault on the English language has me confused.
I didn't know a person "did" his/her ungraduate degree. Are you sure you had the aptitude to even attend Ohio? Also, while we're on the subject, do you have any "ghetto" jokes about Detroit? Because, and stay with me on this one, when you say, "ghetto," I'm pretty sure you mean, "black." And I believe that when a person uses the color of someone's skin in a pejorative (www.dictionary.com, because I know you don't know what that word means) manner, then we have, what is commonly known as racism. So, Mr. Football, Mr. Baseball, Mr. Basketball, Mr. All-World Pro who sits back and tries to sound intelligent, is that what you meant?
"So PETER, you can put all the asterisks you want anywhere, but bottom line is you losers will have a big ZERO next to your record vs. Urban Meyer and OSU after today."
So, after today, Michigan will never beat Ohio ever again?
I'd love to bet on that, but judging by the fact that you can't formulate a cogent thought (I'm just going by your grammatical skills), you probably are one of the unemployed people we hear so much about these days. I guess we could play for your degree, since you're an alumnus. How many degrees do you have?
How many do I have?
How long does it take you to run a mile?
But you're an athlete. No one plays Call of Duty like you.
You're really making my day, by the way. Keep trolling. I'll keep feeding you.
What? Since when does ghetto mean black? Maybe you should be on dictionary.com. I smell desperation in that fallacious statement. OSU and UM are not Ivy schools. I wouldn't brag about the education from either one.
Post a Comment
Post a comment