Top Five Reasons Why I Hate THE Ohio State University

Monday, November 19, 2012

Just narrowing this list to five reasons presented so many difficulties, but I give you my personal top five reasons why I hate Ohio.

5. O-H-I-O: Every time I've had to share oxygen with Buckeye fans I looked down at my shoelaces and asked if I had enough to hang myself.  Seriously, they have a cheer that spells out the name of their state.  What is infinitely worse is the look of satisfaction after they've completed it.  "Hey, lookie, we just spelled a four-letter word!"  Congratulations, people, you've managed to spell the name of your state, and you didn't even have to resort what people in Mississippi have to do.

4. "Dotting the I" in O-H-I-O:  Ohio fans weep when the portly sousaphone player waddles out and distinguishes a straight line from the letter "i." Congratulations, Buckeye fan, you are able to write a four-letter word in the English language.  That ability, along with opposable thumbs, and being able to control when you throw feces, all separate us from the animals.  Also, if you don't want us to call you, "Ohio," then why do you spell it for us?  One last thing:  do you know who originally created the "Script Ohio" that makes you nostalgic for the days when your coach punched opposing players?

3. The "In-State" Winning Streak:  Conveniently, when Brian Kelly's Cincinnati was on the rise, we did not see them on the schedule.  You remember that year, right?  When Tony Pike lit up the Big East and eventually lost to Florida?  Way to schedule Youngstown State, Akron, and the Bobcats.  Keep that streak close to your hearts, Ohio, it's almost as fraudulent as Jim Tressel's signature on NCAA documents.

2. Your Greatest Coaches:  Woody Hayes punched Charlie Bauman in the 1978 Gator Bowl.  On national television, the coach who is the face of your hallowed history, punched an opposing player, in the face.  He didn't spit at him, nor did he say things about his mother.  Woody Hayes physically assaulted an opposing player. Every lead-in about Ohio State's football tradition starts with a shot of Woody Hayes and his famous cap, when it should open with the fact that he assaulted a young man in front of millions of people. The worst thing Jim Tressel ever did was lie, cheat, then lie about the cheating.  Oh, and he fixed raffles so recruits could win cars while simultaneously leading Bible studies and writing books about how Jesus changed his life.  Assault and Battery, with a smattering of blasphemy, but just as long as your program is winning, right?

1.  Buckeye Fan:  You know who you are.  You're the pathetic loser who attaches your own personal self-worth to a college football team.  You're the person who throws batteries at Michigan fans as they run to their car after Drew Henson's naked bootleg in 2000.  You're the one who had to be reminded by university officials to respect the United States' Naval Academy, its players, coaching staff, cheerleaders, and fans during a game.  You're the person who says, "F$*@ You!" to someone wearing a Michigan tee shirt as he pumps gas so he can get out of your state as quickly as possible.  You're the one who agrees that players "ain't come to play school."  You're the fan who says, "At least we got to the BCS Championship Game!" after your team gets Shawshanked by the S.E.C.   You're everything wrong with college football, but at least you're not a Notre Dame fan.

Beat Ohio.

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